Need to vent

There is so much going through my head right now. Soooo much emotion; I can’t even identify and describe each one.

Mom is leaving for Afghanistan tomorrow. She’s going with her youngest brother, my uncle. The past few days have been a whirlwind of activity and preparation. From luggage issues, passport and ID verification, airline drama, drafting legal documents, getting shots and antibiotics, packing clothes and tying up all KINDS of loose ends for this monumental trip.

She hasn’t been back “home” since we arrived to the U.S. in the early 80s. I was born there and have my childhood memories, but she grew up there, went to school there, was married there, and now almost thirty years later she’s returning to her birthplace. It’s exciting and dramatic. It’s a trip that can be the most uplifting of events, or it could one that ends in a way none of us want to think about let alone articulate.

Except for me. I’ve had awful dreams, or should I say nightmares, especially this past week. Unable to sleep restfully. I wake up thinking my cell phone is ringing. It’s the U.S. Embassy in Kabul telling me Mom’s been killed. There’s been a car bomb. Her airline was hijacked and it went down. She’s disappeared. She’s been kidnapped.

I think of what a scaredy cat Mom really is under all that spitfire. In my dreams I see her terrified face and she’s crying. It breaks my heart that I’m not with her to help. In my dreams I’m usually trying to save her and I fail. I let her down. I wake up. It makes me feel so helpless that I can’t save her. I lay awake in bed listening to my puppies as they sleep, praying Mom wasn’t so upset with me before her trip. It makes me feel sad and melancholy.

I don’t know if my dreams would be this bad if Mom and I were actually getting along right now. We’re obviously not since I’m sticking to my decision to marry a qufar. She hasn’t brought it up since the incident with the nika dress. It’s as if it never happened. Mom is practicing complete avoidance. She hasn’t said one word about my engagement or upcoming wedding. She isn’t exactly doing cartwheels when I show up at the house, but she’s not the usual warm, affectionate mommy I’m used to. She treats me with polite reserve. Of course, she still makes it a point to get upset about something inconsequential, like what color the luggage should be. It’s those times I realize she is really letting me know she’s still upset and angry about Ed. Sigh.

Lately I’ve been feeling as if I’m falling short of everyone’s expectations of me. I’m a pretty rational person and I realize that this probably has a lot to do with the realization that my mother doesn’t accept me or my decisions. But, I don’t know if that answer is simple enough to explain why I feel that way in pretty much all realms of my life.

For example, ever since I got my MEGA Starbucks card from Anna for my birthday, I’ve been treating myself here and there to some of their breakfast sandwiches and other assorted treats. There’s a Starbucks by my office right at the trolley station. I go there in the mornings and I see lots of homeless people begging. I usually give them my change, but a few days ago I saw homeless Myra. I like her a lot and sometimes I chat it up with her. My Starbucks card was burning a hole in my wallet so I told her I’d get her a breakfast sandwich. I asked and she told me she liked ham and cheese. Ok, cool. No problem.

The line is outrageously long. I pick up my order and come out. I have napkins and a plate for her. I hand her the piping hot sandwich and you know what she says? “What? You didn’t get me nothin’ to drink?!” She had this incredulous look on her face. She was so disappointed and angry with me and all I could do was stutter and apologize. I didn’t get her anything because she was already sipping on an Arizona Iced Tea, but I couldn’t find the words to tell her so. I just walked away as quickly as I could. She embarrassed me by shouting it out loud for everyone to hear. There I was, once again, falling short of someone’s expectations.

I was pissed at myself for thinking that way, but I still couldn’t help the feeling. It’s a simple example, but you can extrapolate and pretty much figure out what I’ve been feeling the last few weeks. Very frustrating and very draining. I haven’t had down time to grapple with myself, especially with how our office has been a growling bitch. I see Ed and my furbabies everyday, but I still miss them. I feel like there isn’t enough of me leftover at the end of the day to share with them. Does that make sense?

Well, enough griping for the day. I just wanted to take a little break from my workload and vent. Mom’s flight is tomorrow and I’ll be up all night with her checking and re-checking everything for her. Ton-o-fun.

I have now vented. Back to work!