This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees.

I talked to S on the phone for quite some time tonight. She's not feeling well. This the fourth time (that I remember) this year she has caught a bug and is running a fever. I don't like that.

We talked a lot about M's birthday. M married a real showstopper. Not. He completely forgot her birthday. Mind you, they've only been married 3 years. She's pregnant with their second baby and all she wanted for her birthday was a day OFF. She asked him to clean up, do the dishes, make dinner, take Ari (my niece) out for a while, and just pretty much give M some peace for the day. She just wanted to unwind and relax. Maybe read a book. Who knows?

He came home complaining about being tired and where's dinner? He hadn't wished her a happy birthday all day long. He went to bed with a full belly and not a care in the world. M and I may not have the best relationship in the world, but she is still my little sister and it makes me BURN when I hear about how miserable he can be. Grrr! I want her to be happy, to be with someone compassionate and thoughtful, someone who'll make her feel like the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world. I know she loves him and he loves her, but I want more than that for my sisters. Sometimes love on its own is not enough when not adorned by simpler things, especially the simpler things we often taken for granted.

Love's patina takes on more complex shades of color, deeper longing, and by definition love becomes simpler to define when it is the kind of love complimented by laughter, attention, teasing, stimulation, compassion, inside jokes, secret shared memories, thoughtfulness, surprises and breathtaking moments. Those moments don't have to involve anything fancy or expensive.

I have a very good friend in my book club whose husband had a stroke a few years back. They've been married a looooooooooooong time. He's paralyzed on one side and walks with a cane. It takes him a while, but he goes walks. On Saturdays he always returns with a simple bouquet of flowers. She knows the flowers are going to be hers every Saturday, so it is no longer a surprise.

But, it is still a breathtaking moment for her. She doesn't know what kind of flowers they'll be, whether there'll be one or a bouquet, a florist's creation or a wildflower masterpiece. You should see her face when she watches her husband slowly walking down the street, holding a cane and clutching flowers. Just imagine her face.

That is the kind of love and relationship I want for M and for all of my sisters. I want it for the women in my life who are dearest and closest to me. I want it for all women. We deserve it.

(The delicious, soap opera twist in M's situation is the fact that her husband is my ex's first cousin. My ex was not a horrible person, but we denied it for a long time that we just weren't made for each other as much as we thought we were. When M complains about her husband, I find myself thinking back to my relationship with my ex. The complaints are scarily identical. )

Well, in Nick news, I can't report that I didn't have a teary eyed moment today. I haven't had a tear free day yet. The object of the crazy lady in mourning today was the auto body mechanic who brought me my car. I picked it up today after it had been in the shop for almost 2 weeks. I saw Nick's car sheet in the back seat and couldn't stop my tears. Tomorrow it will be two weeks that my sweet angel boy left me. I miss his long, golden eyelashes. I loved watching them as he slept. They fluttered like wings while he snored away.

Back in my own car again, I put on my Sarah Mclachlan CD. I played "Angel" and let myself cry all the way home..."This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees..."

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here