Today is my sister M’s birthday. I choose to call her "M" in this blog because her temper is frightening to me. I don't want her to run across her name in this blog and then have to be the target of her insatiable anger. Trust me, it is scary!!!
M is #3 of four, since I'm the oldest, but let's just call her M or S2. I wish I could pretend that I’ll be able to wish her a happy birthday in person. Alas, that won’t be the case. We haven’t spoken in years. I’ve written her LONG letters in an attempt to reconcile and salvage what precious time we have together in this world. I’ve tried reasoning with her through our youngest sister, let's just call her "S", and through our dad, but all to no avail.
It would be a HUGE understatement to say that she is as stubborn as our mother and that she can hold a grudge much longer. A huge understatement. The funny thing is that when she was younger M alway swore she would never be like our mom. Well, whaddya know!?!?
You know, I wish I could say that something monumental and awful took place between us and that’s why she won’t speak to me. That would actually make me feel better about her refusal to make amends because then I could find fault and feel better about the situation. But, nothing could be further from the truth. We argued over our parents’ separation and we argued about choices in life. That’s it. Arguments that take place in millions of homes, but in our home M just won’t allow herself to forgive and move on.
We are very different in our approach to conflict resolution and our general approach to life. I’m not a pessimist, I’m not a conformist and I can’t feed off negative energy within me. It wears me out. It physically and mentally drains me of all positive juices. Yes, I can become angry with someone just like anyone else, but it doesn’t last very long at all. My memory for why I'm angry is very, very short. But, my mom and my two middle sisters can sustain anger and feed a grudge FOREVER.
My dad always tells me that it takes 100 times the energy to sustain anger, to sustain resentment and to feed a grudge. On the flip side, it is so much easier to find silver linings, to be happy and grateful for little things and to be a reconciliatory human. It is easier on my mental and emotional health, and it fosters healthy relationships with those I love so very much. My sister, S, and I are very much the same when it comes to our nature and our behavior, something we share with our dad. My other two sisters (K & M) are very much like our mom.
My sisters have always been my pride and joy. I love them all very much. We were close and happy when we were younger. In our adult years, it hasn’t been a happy, close relationship. I crave close, healthy and happy relationships with them. My youngest sister, S, and I have it and it makes me so happy. I’m still holding out hope that one day I’ll have a close relationship with K & M again. Ya never know!
So, I would like to wish M a happy and healthy birthday. I hope there are many, many more. Love, your big sister. :-)
4 comments:
Wow, so much to say on this one but not sure I should post. Let's just say I can COMPLETELY relate to this yet again! This is the question I sometimes ask myself...
"if you weren't related would you still want this person in your life as a friend?" If the answer is no, then it's really hard to force a relationship that will always be just that....forced. In an ideal world families are hugging and laughing and getting together every Sunday for dinner and there's no underlying tension, jealousy, or judgements. But that's the ideal. I think every family has their fair share of dysfunction, some are just more public with it than others. My middle name is Dysfunction and I'm realizing more and more how f*cked up things were now that I'm older. As a kid, you don't have that level of perspective, and for good reason! I preferred to live in my own little world growing up, pretending that everything is fine. It's only now I can take those rose colored glasses off and see the reality of dysfunction. We are only capable of controling ourselves and our actions to others. We can never get others to change. I totally don't mean to sound all preachy here, I'm literally reciting this mantra in my head on a daily basis so it all comes pouring out on your comments section! Sorry about that!!! But hey, I'm totally with ya on this one.
Smileygirl, you just HUSH and tell me you are NOT Moe Drabowsky's daughter?!?!
Holy shit. I am so freaked out by the coincidences in our two lives. I may need your autograph. :-)
I am. You knew of him? That explains all the prank phonecalls and practical jokes. Yeah, it's definitely inherited.
Wow, that is so great.
Yes, I've heard his name when I've listened/watched Cubs games, especially in the 9Os. You know how they have trivia questions during the game? Well, I know he's been the answer to a couple of trivia questions that I can remember. I recall a story of how he used to make prank calls during games. What?!? Did he do it in an Asian accent perhaps?
It sounds like you and I could kill a few cases of wine just discussing family! I could recap for you the harrowing tale of a Muslim dating a Catholic man post-9/11 America. Guess who? Much hilarity is sure to ensue.
Post a Comment