This morning Ed & I overslept. BIG TIME. I woke up at 7:49 and was out the door by 8:09, fully dressed for work. I brushed my hair, slapped on some lip gloss and toothbrushed my unruly eyebrows in the car. Ended up arriving at work on time! I couldn't believe it.
[Yes, you read right. I use a toothbrush to brush my thick ass heavy eyebrows. One of the many “blessings” of my Middle Eastern ancestry. I've used all kinds of expensive eyebrow combs, but an ordinary old toothbrush works best!]
Little Sis, still in town, and she was able to help out by walking the Golden Duo. She called me at work afterwards:
“Hello?”
“Hey, what’s up! How’s work? Did you make it on time?”
“Yup."
"Hope you didn't forget to brush your eyebrow forest."
"Nope, all taken care of. So, what’s up with you?”
“Well, Achilles and Milo had a great walk. Achilles pooped twice and Milo threw down just one giant dump. Impressive.”
“Oh ya? That’s cool. Was it firm or soft?”
[All animal owners end up inspecting intestinal offerings for signs of upset stomach or other “issues”. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about!]
“Pretty firm, looked good, nothing out of the ordinary.”
“Awesome. So, what’s up?”
“How much did you say I should feed them?”
“Oh, well, you use the green plastic ½ cup measuring cup. Achilles gets one cup total from the right bin. Milo also gets one cup, ½ from the left bin and ½ from the right bin.”
[I hear the sound of kibble begin poured into their food bowls. The sound of one cup...Two cups…Three… Four….huh?....Five…what the hell!?]
“Hey, how much are you giving them? They get one cup total each.”
“Yeah, but it looks like such a tiny bit in the bottom of their bowls. They’re really hungry….(she starts cooing baby talk at the boys now)…Who’s Auntie’s hungriest boy? Who is it?! Who?! Is it Baby Milo Bear? Is it Baby Achilles? Aunties wuvs you guys soooo much!”
(Her cooing, high pitched voice has the boys in a frenzy right about now.)
“Listen to me. I know it doesn’t look like a lot, but it’s more than enough for them. The food is super nutrient and calorie dense. You’re also going to mix in wet food and some turkey breast, remember?”
(More sounds of kibble being poured into their bowls…Six….Seven…)
“Hey, seriously! Cut it out. Stop it right now. How much did you put in there?”
“5 of the green cups for each of them.”
“WHAT!? That’s over 2 cups of food for each of them. They’re not working cattle dogs on a ranch. They’re a million years old and they sleep all day. Take some out!”
“No way! How can you be so mean to them?...How can your mommy be so mean to Auntie’s hungriest, sweetest boys?”
“Stop telling them I’m mean to them. I’m not mean to them!”
[I'm now whisper yelling into my phone so that the rest of the office doesn't hear this absurd conversation.]
“Pssssh, whatever! Poor things, you should see them standing in the kitchen staring at me with their starving eyes….Auntie loves you, yes she does. Yes she does!”
I can hear their panting and nails clicking on the floor over her cooing and gushing voice. At this point I can only imagine their fevered excitement.
“That’s their time tested, proven M.O. ! They’re working you over, sucker, that’s all. Now take some out please. I don’t want them eating that much kibble.”
“Sorry lady. It’s your fault you overslept. Maybe you should have gone to bed at a decent hour instead of obsessively downloading songs to your MP3 til dawn.”
“Stop lecturing me, Missy. That’s not why I overslept. My alarm didn’t ring.”
“Mmm-hmm, sure it didn’t. Now I’m left walking and feeding my little fur-nephews, so I’ll do it the way I want.”
“Jeezaloo. Ok, then don’t put any of the wet food or turkey in there.”
“Too late. I already did.”
“What!? They’ve never eaten that much at once. What if they throw it up?”
“Relax woman. If they throw up, I’ll clean it up and feed them again.”
[She’s cackling and laughing like a maniac now.]
“Come on!”
“Just kiiiiddddiiiing! R-e-l-a-x, ok? Now, walk me through their medicine. I don’t want to screw that up.”
At this point I’m just speechless at my desk. Speechless!
Nice, huh? She doesn’t want to screw up their meds, but she will feed them like horses any chance she gets. No wonder Achilles and Milo go through withdrawal (and some serious depression) whenever she returns to Chicago.
3 comments:
That was hilarious!! I hope they didn't end up getting sick on her. Or your carpet!
It's just like having kids. They work over the relatives to do their bidding. Unfortunately, you are left with the aftermath once the relatives go home.
Any throw up from gorging themselves? I always give Mom's dog a little extra too. :)
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