Shirley Dirty Birdy Garbage Girl

With her giant, flirty brown eyes, she looks so innocent, so sweet, doesn't she? She bats her long Golden lashes and I give in to her every whim.
I've known her to eat pretty much anything, including her Christmas lobster fuzzy. But, tonight she took the cake. Or hamburger.

Huh?

Yeah, hamburgers. And frozen fish fillets. And almost a random Pizza Hut pizza roll.

I'd left the garbage bin out of the cabinet for Ed to take outside. Earlier I'd gone through the freezer and thrown out some food that had been freezer burned or just gotten really old in there. Well, we got our signals crossed somehow and the bin ended up not being taken out. Meaning it remained in the middle of the kitchen. Within perfect reach of my mischievious one, Miss Shirley Bird herself.

What we are certain she ate:
FOUR frozen hamburger patties,
THREE frozen breaded fish fillets,
MOLDY bread,
Old pesto sauce,
VERY, VERY old leftover beef stew (ohmigoditwassogrossandsmelly),
Salad greens gone bad & mushy, and
Coffee grounds.

I'm certain she ate all of the above because they were right on top of the garbage pile.

What we believe she also ate:
Slice of moldy pepper-jack cheese,
An egg salad sandwich I'd forgotten about & it had become shoved to the back of the fridge,
The bottom dregs of a bag of salt & vinegar potato chips,
A little cup of sliced black olives, and
A few sprigs of parsley.

What she almost ate & it gave her sneaky buffet away:
A Pizza Hut pizza roll. Anyone ever had one of those? They look like a little cigar of pizza dough rolled up around cheese and pepperoni. We had one in the fridge from I don't know how long ago, and Ed chucked it into the garbage bin.

We're sitting here watching "The Office" when we see our Shirley Bug trotting to-and-fro from the TV room to the kitchen, and back. She was all atwitter with excitement, happily wagging her tail. We could tell she'd been up to something, because this is post-walk and post-dinner, a time they normally take a little satisfying snooze.

As she's trotting to-and-fro, we hear a high-pitched whistling noise coming from her mouth. What the helicopter was going on with her, we wondered. I thought she had one of her plastic squeaky toys in her mouth, but nope, it was an old, hard pizza roll.

Ed jumped off the couch, ran into the kitchen, and there it was. Shirley's dirty deed. She'd eaten ALL OF THE GARBAGE we'd thrown out tonight. We hadn't heard a thing, not ONE tiny litte sound. She was so ultra-stealth, *so silent*, in her glorious garbage grazing galore!!!

We burst into action. I pried the pizza roll from her mouth (she was soooo mad), Ed cleaned coffee grounds, slobber, and slimy salad greens off the kitchen floor, and I made a frantic call to the emergency vet. Shirley ate so much garbage her stomach is actually distended and sticking out at the sides. JEEZALOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Emergency vet reassured me she won't die, unless the soon-to-be-expected vomit and explosive diarrhea lasts more than a couple of days. Oh yippee, oh joy. We can't wait for the party to start 'round here.

In the meantime, I'm just going to try to erase the thought of Shirley Dirty Birdy Garbage Girl from my mind.

I'm going to try and recall her more refined, ladylike ways.

Peacefully sunning & napping-
Daintily squinting at me with sleepy Asian eyes-
Rather than garbage grazing, patiently awaiting a nummy snack-

Just being the sweet, lovely girl she usually is, 99.999999999% of the time.

Poor Shirly Bug. Poor us. It's going to be a loooooooooooooong night. (((sigh)))

I can hear her tummy talking to me as I'm typing.....God help us all.