Shirley Pie & The Monster in Her Heart

I don't know why I wait until I feel this way to blog.  In fact, this blog began in 2007 as a result of losing our sweet Nick.  I needed some place to divulge my pain and anger and feeling of unfairness, in the hopes of somehow having them diminished because they are being shared by the universe.  

Well, it's that time again.  It is 2013, an odd number year after all!!!  We've lost a Golden baby every odd year: Nick in 2007, Achilles in 2009, and then Milo in 2011. We know going in with adopting a senior Golden that their time is preciously limited with us, but it doesn't get easier no matter how many of them wander through our doors.  I don't know why I keep thinking that it will be easier to bear "next time" around.  It is certainly not going to be that with our Shirley, that's for sure.  In fact, I believe it will be the hardest one of them all considering what this is going to do to Laverne.   

This past Saturday we took Laverne, Shirley, and Sitka (our senior boy we rescued on 12/3/2011) to Mission Bay and walked the perimeter for almost 2 hours.  Shirley ran around trying to eat bird poop and chase seagulls.  Everything seemed perfectly fine.  But by Monday,  unexpectedly, Shirley began acting differently than her normal self.  Ed teases me that I'm the "dog whisperer" and I sometimes make a bigger deal out of something that may not be. 

The problem is that I know my little Shirley oh so well.  She has been my NON-STOP shadow for almost four years.  I knew she was just not herself.  On Monday she didn't want to go on any of her walks with us.  I noticed her breathing was loud, I could hear it another room.  By Monday night she seemed fine again.  On Tuesay she didn't want to walk with us again, and her loud breathing returned.  By dinner time her breathing pattern changed.  I checked her heart rate and it was steady at 104-118 and held steady for the time I measured, which worried me, but I couldn't figure out why her respiratory rate and her temperature were normal.  Her gums and eyes were nice and healthy, too.  Most importantly, she was as eager as ever for her dinner, which is always a good sign with these Golden babies.   

When it was time to go to bed, Shirley didn't follow me into the bedroom.  In all her years with us she has ALWAYS been right on my heel at bedtime, and her spot has always been on my side of the bed.  Laverne is the night time wanderer and has multiple favorite sleep spots, but not Shirley.  I have even had to move my bedside table over 3 feet so that she can wedge herself in there to be next to me.  I've never had to call her to come to bed, but I did on Tuesday night.  She eventually wandered in slowly and came to her spot.  I thought maybe she was just beginning to lose her hearing....

I woke up early for my spin class on Wednesday morning and found her spot empty.  My heart immediately sank into my belly.  I searched and found her all the way on the other side of the house sleeping all by herself in the tiled hallway.  I simply followed the sound of her loud, labored breathing.  At the animal clinic later that morning I could tell by the look on my vet's face it was not good.  Emergency blood and urine labs all came back normal. The list of what it could be was one worse than the other, the "parade of horribles."  

Eventually, X-rays and an ultrasound showed that she has cancer in her right side heart.  I have never heard of cancer independently occurring in the heart, but we learn something new with each one of these dogs.  The tumor has begun to invade the heart muscle and all vessels.  She's also collecting fluids. It is most likely hemangiosarcoma, but could be chemodectoma as well.  Ed met me at the radiology center to receive the news.  Our hearts broke into tiny pieces. 

Right now we are just trying to figure out what would be best for Shirley.  Our vet said she is not in any pain, none at all.  At most she is slightly uncomfortable with the fluid build up.  Our vet said it is difficult to know when she will die, but it will be from a cardio arrhythmia.  It could be in the next hour or next week.  She could just pass out and die, but she could also have an arrhythmia that lasts longer thereby extending her death symptoms.  She asked us to consider euthanasia sooner rather than later to avoid that.  

When we brought her home last night she made a beeline for the kitchen and demanded her dinner.  It was so bittersweet. Then she and Laverne played together as they always do. An outsider would think she was totally normal and healthy, but we now know the horrible monster secretly growing in her heart for months.  Our vet explained that it is unfortunate, but most canine cancers don't show up with abnormal symptoms until the cancer is end stage.  There is truly nothing that can be done for Shirley at this point, especially since she's almost 14 years old.  

This morning we found Shirley sleeping in our shower.  That's her favorite hiding spot when the scary laundry basket monster comes out.   She had a good breakfast of chicken and rice.  We have to keep her on a bland diet for easy digestion.  We also have to keep her absolutely quiet and with minimal activity.  She has no stamina and energy, which is why she didn't want to walk on Monday and Tuesday.  So, I walked Sitka and Laverne, and when we returned Shirley was happily napping away under my work desk.  

At this point we are torn about what to do for her.  With Nick, Achilles, and Milo we had a home euthanasia vet come when it was their time.  But, we knew it was their time.  It was clear and they let us know.  With Shirley it's like a cruel joke.  Ed & I cried and wondered how he would have the strength to bring a vet in the home while Shirley is alert and wagging her tail, encourage her to lie down on a towel, and then watch her be euthanized?   I mean, other than resting and sleeping a lot, she's her usual self. She's eating hungrily and eagerly trots into the kitchen for her treats. It seems unbearable to me that we would just send her on to the other side this way...

So, this is where I find myself now.  In limbo over when to do what we know we need to do for our little girl.   I just spoke to our vet again and she recommended that we schedule euthanasia no later than very early next week, but preferably this weekend.  She explained that cardiac arrhythmia from hemangiosarcoma is like Shirley drowning in her own fluids.  We do not want to see her suffering like that.   I am home with her today and tomorrow keeping an eye on her.  I've spent the better part of the day calling home euthanasia vets about their advance scheduling requirements, etc.  So far I've got some tentatively lined up for Saturday morning and also Monday morning.

It is just so SURREAL sitting here planning another living being's death.  I have been crying all day long.  Shirley has been sleeping on my feet while I've been working.  My tears fall into her fur and she doesn't stir. 

Dear God, it would be a blessing and a gift if Shirley were to die peacefully in her sleep.  I hope you hear my prayers.  Writing that prayer and having it exist outside of my brain makes me cry so hard.  She is my baby lady.  I can't  imagine her not following me all day long all over the house.  

More than myself, I have no idea how to deal with Laverne's mourning.  When Shirley was at the vet all day yesterday Laverne was beside herself. She patrolled the house several times searching for her.  When we returned home Laverne spent a good 30 minutes licking Shirley's ears, muzzle, her shaved belly, and nuzzling her neck.  It was torture watching them because I knew that soon she'd leave her sister behind. 

Shirley has many nicknames, Shirley Bird, Shirley Bug, Shirley Baby, etc.  A couple of years back Shirley picked up the nickname "Shirley Pie", named after the famous Meaty Pie (sausage, pepperoni, meatballs, and Italian beef in a stuffed deep dish) served at our favorite place, Lefty's Chicago Style Pizzeria.  Shirley is 65 pounds to Laverne's 55 pounds.  They eat the exact same diet and receive the same number of treats and cookies, so we could never figure out why Shirley always remained 10 pounds heavier than her sister.   So, Shirley became Shirley Pie or Meaty Pie, and Laverne was left with 'Verney Pie....because there is also a "lighter" Veggie Pie on the menu.  It still makes me smile. 

I have reached out to our fellow rescue people and asked for insight and advice on hemangiosarcoma, and how to handle this transition for Shirley.  I got a great bit of advice from one of them and that is to let Shirley go sooner rather than later so we can remember her as she is now.  Give her a favorite meal and then let her be free.  This disease works so fast and sometimes that is the best way to go.  Another fellow rescue volunteer advised to just trust our instinct to know when it is Shirley's "time," especially since she is not in any pain and her quality of life is still wonderful.  Yet another one told me about her dog was diagnosed on a Wednesday and gone by that Friday.

Needless to say, Ed and I have a lot to go over tonight.  We've got a couple of tentative vet appointments lined up, we just need to figure out which one to go with, if any. 

In the meantime, I've spent the day crying and going through my pictures and videos of Shirley.  I have thousands and thousands of them.  Gosh, all these memories!  She has always been such an affectionate and devoted spirit.  Although she never 100% outgrew some of the anxieties she harbored after years of neglect and abuse, she is still very free-spirited and funny.  She has personality in spades.  If she isn't right by my side, she can be found with her alpha sister, Laverne.  The two of them are riot together, what with their wrestling matches and chases around the house. 

I kind of went through a purge and just added a bunch of photos. There are just so many more, but here goes for now...

July 25, 2009, the day we adopted them from the rescue and brought them home.

 They were SO FAT.

Shirley fell in love with our daily dog park routine.

 She also fell in love with my camera. :)

 It is humbling for me to be so adored, so loved.  She always wants to be right by me.

 My pretty baby lady.

 At Dogtoberfest 2010 in her fancy party collar.

 Like most typical Goldens, Shirley always has a need to fill her belly.  Treats in a Kong are a favorite!

 This picture is simply heart wrenching for me.  No matter what, Shirley always walked on Laverne's right.  If for a moment they switched sides it was as if the world had fallen out of sync. Shirley always scrambles to get to the "right" side. I wonder what it will be like for Laverne to walk without Shirley...

 Speaking of tasty bits, Shirley and her sister do not turn anything away, and that includes veggies and fruit!  Steamed green beans are always a great snack. 

 This is an old picture, but still one of my favorites.  Milo is long gone now, and soon my Shirley baby will join him. 

 Did I mention she always has to be near me, or around me, or next to me, or sometimes literally on top of me? :)

 Running a muck by the canyons, exploring the sights, sounds, and smells.

 Papa's little curly girl. 

 His favorite question of her, "Are you the sweetest pie? Are you the sweetest pie I ever did see?"

 Chocolate button eyes.  

 "Wooly mammoth" paws in need of some trimming...

 ...voila! Oh gosh, how I will miss these tiny tender paws.

 She likes to nap lying in my lap.  

 Love her little moustache.  Ed always threatened to wax it for her. :)

 While a fan of the beach, Shirley does NOT like baths. 

 Nonetheless, she always looks adorable during her baths. 

 One of her many fancy neck wear. This is from our visit to the Humane Society's Doggie Cafe. 

 Oooh, the bully stick.  How she looooooves that bully stick.  While all the other dogs immediately sit down to enjoy their chew, Shirley preferred to run around the house looking for the absolute most perfect spot to enjoy her chew, all the while holding the stick like a cigar.  

 Loves lazing in the sunshine. 

 If I'm gone a minute or an entire day, she greets me at the door with a toy in her mouth, to which I always squeal, "Shirley, whachya got??? Whachay got for your mama?!"  To which she would respond by running in circles like a madwoman.  Made me laugh every single time!

 Sometimes she'd allow for one-on-one papa love time. Otherwise, it is all about mama.

 Newly brushed out and looking gorgeoue.

 Football on TV, hangin' out on Papa's lap...

 ...what could be any better?

 Aaah,yes, the morning ritual of splitting a banana with her sister.  Almost every single day Shirley has split a banana with Laverne in the morning.  Pretty soon it will all be 'Verney's.

 Just another pretty shot.

 She makes sure to sit on my foot while at the park, just in case I try to escape her.  As if I ever would.

 Love & affection.

 Leading the charge into the Pacific waters.

 Toasting after a breezy day at the beach.

 Her favorite napping nook.

 Shirley is the second from the left (on the right of Laverne, of course!) and this was Sitka's 12th birthday celebration this past December.  The fourth dog on the right was our foster boy, Billy. He has been adopted now.  They're all sharing Sitka's birthday chicken cake.

 Lookin' good at the dog park party for Sitka's birthday.

 She could smells mere crumbs if you have them in your pocket!

 Waiting for a cupcake to "accidentally" drop on the ground.

 Patriotic gear all set for duties as Golden ambassadors at the Rancho Coastal Humane Society's adoption event. 

 Once again, walking lock-step with each other.

 Our rescue's booth!

 My sweet patriotic Shirley Pie.

 Did someone say treats?

 Yes, it did!!!

 Enjoying a chilled apple at the event, helping to cool off on a warm day.

 All the other pups are enjoying the dog park party, but Shirley Pie is only interested in guarding the food table. 

 Memorial Day & 4th of July attire. 

 Shirley thinks all my jokes are funny!

 This is my absolute favorite photo of my baby girl.  Captures her innocent, mischievous, silly personality.  I love her so much.

 The girls at their dog park birthday party last year! They turned 13 years old in July!!!

 Birthday girl getting love and attention from Auntie Linnea, but the food table was beckoning...

 "Please, pretty lady, would you shovel a few of those cupcakes in my piehole?"  -Shirley

 Chicken cupcakes with pink mashed potato frosting for their birthday.

 Here they are showing their displeasure at being forced to take yet another bath.

 Birthday sisters just chillin' together.

 Birthday Pie-Pie!

 Birthday Pie-Pie all tuckered out from the party.

 Our Christmas party just a few months back.  Shirley chewed her bully stick right at our guests' feet.

 Then she made sure to stay close to the food table, you know, "just in case"....

 One of our many rituals...going to Starbucks and getting the furbabies a shot of whipped cream to enjoy. This was Christmas day 2012. 

Sitka, Shirley, and Laverne in their Mardi Gras finest.  

 Me and my baby ladies at the dog park.  This was just a couple of weeks ago during Mardi Gras.  There's Sitka sitting in the background, and our buddy Reef walking past us. 

 Isn't she the prettiest pie you ever did see?

 Mardi Gras sisters!

 Last Sunday my best friend Jamei brought her little kiddo down to visit again, and they brought all kinds of toys and treats for my babies.  Shirley grabbed the pink wubbie right out of the bag.  Pink has always been her color. 

 Then we all went to the dog park together.  I still cannot believe this was just March 3rd!

 Carrot time!  Yet another favorite snack, ha ha!

 It's not all healthy, sometimes pizza is just as good of a snack!

 This is from just this past Saturday walking around Mission Bay park.  Shirley did so well. 

 This is just from last night!  I can't believe she has heart cancer and will die any moment now. She was still so eager for her pizza crust!

 My Christmas girls.

 My sweet, adorable, beautiful, silly baby girl.  My little Shirley Pie.  I wish this wasn't happening to you. When I die I am going to require many, many answers from God as to why his innocent creatures had to suffer so...

Some short videos I found myself watching over and over today. Here's "Apple Time"...

Here's "Lemme Help You With That"...

Here's "Sleepy Love"....I have always loved running my fingers through Shirley's wavy, curly fur.  Calms me down, soothes my mind, and heals my heart when I'm hurting.  

I don't know how much time Shirley has left with me, but it's safe to assume it can be measured in hours.  Our rescue friend Peggy wrote to me today, "This is the tough part of adopting the sweet golden oldies...we never have them long enough." 

As if there could ever be such a thing as "long enough"....