It has always been "her" color, and it began when we found the perfect collar and leash set for her on our 2009 trip to Newport, RI. It has seashells and whimsical nautical details, all pretty in pink, just like my lovely Shirley. And so pink it has remained since then. Any and all accessories she collected thereafter were then also always pink. Of course.
Sweet girl is still with us today. I've spent time educating myself on hemangiosarcoma. I've talked with my good friend, Dr. Kate, as well as several other professionals and friends. Dr. Kate was INCREDIBLY helpful. Sometimes it helps when someone tells me something in a way I hadn't heard it before. Yes, we are Shirley's guardian, and yes, we are entrusted with doing what is right and merciful for her. But, we also need to trust ourselves to know when it's her time because we know her best. And, we need to do what we can live with after Shirley is gone. It has always been a moral struggle for us to end a life, even when it is kind and merciful for our beloved beasts. She just hasn't given me that signal yet. I'm waiting, sweet bird.
Aaaaand, then there is the internet! I scrolled through Google images of post-mortem canine hearts riddled with this cancer. I felt such a burning anger knowing it is also growing in my sweet Shirley's poor, delicate heart. Oh my God, I couldn't even breathe for a moment just thinking about it. So upsetting!!! She's such a little sweet thing and it eats me up that this monster has gotten a hold of her tiny heart. Ok, I can't even write any more about that without losing it here.
For now, we have tentative euthanasia home vets set up for tomorrow afternoon and Monday morning. I don't think we're going to tempt a fatal arrhythmia much later than that though. She's stable, comfortable, and happy today. She sat at my feet while I ate breakfast waiting for her share, as always. Her quality of life is good and she's with me or Ed at all times, never alone. So, there's that. But, should something acute or urgent come up in the meantime, we're all set to get the ER vet within 8 minutes. I pray that is not what happens. And, I pray even harder that she just passes peacefully in her sleep. I can only hope.
In the meantime, I've been relentless in kissing and loving all over her. I love her so much I want to just inhale her whole into myself.
2 comments:
Sending you so much love. We recently said goodbye to our Charlie Brown via home euthanasia and it was one of the most meaningful and gorgeous experiences of my life. When the time comes for your Shirley, CB will be there to greet her! :) xo
Sending love and hugs, for you and Shirley.
Sam
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