How selfish am I? I hate myself sometimes. I really do. It is times like this I could just slap myself for adopting an old dog. But, if we hadn't adopted Achilles, I wouldn't have been as loved as I have been. Achilles has been Mama's boy from the start.
It was not to be. Not to be that he would last another 3 months. Not to be that he would last another 6 months. He could only give us 1 more month since my post on May 7th. Achilles, our mighty Golden warrior, who battled Cushings, kidney disease, vestibular syndrome, giardia, and liver disease....has finally said enough.
With work and caring for all the people and animals in my life, it has been a tremendous couple of weeks. Then my Golden baby's health took a horrible turn for the worse these last couple of days. After his ultrasound today, we found out that he has a mass on and in his liver that is killing him quickly and painfully. It came out of nowhere.
Achilles Sweetface. Golden Warrior. "ODB" for Ole Dirty Bastard, his rapper nickname. Oh how he loves to roll in the smelliest filth he could get his body on. Our Golden baby is going to leave us tomorrow. When I called the home euthanasia for an appointment, she had the same time available as Nick's passing in 2007....12:30 p.m. I almost passed out from the memory of what is in store for me tomorrow. One more time.
All I can think about is what there will be no more of in our lives.
No more sleepin' with his best bud...
No more Mommy stalking him for sleeping pictures...
No more crammin' into tight spaces just to be (((this))) much closer to the hub of the family...
No more smiling up at the camera for mommy...
No more available body pillow for Milo...
Our family will be broken come this time tomorrow. Captain Morgan, on Ed's right shoulder, Achilles between us, and the Milo Bear. We will be one less.
August 9, 2007. Achilles was 13 years old. Ed drove up to Aliso Viejo to pick him up. I look at this picture and am stunned by how much Achilles has aged since that wonderful day.
First thing Ed did was take him to the park and show him around his new neighborhood. He was so roly, poly and fluffy.
No more going on morning walks with daddy and Milo....
No more chillin' in the shade, just the two of them...
No more meandering through trails together...
No more hangin' with the Asian Eyes little bro....
No more kisses on the head from daddy...
No more debonair Christmas scarves while waiting for guests to arrive...
No more cuddling with toys...
No more "patiently" waiting for an offering...
...still patiently waiting...
No more lovey, dovey time with daddy...
No more kisses for mommy...
No more Achilles at all for mommy...
This time tomorrow, our Achilles will no longer walk this Earth with us. He is only one month from his 15th birthday. I want to scream. I want to scream for 15 more years with him. I want Nick back. I don't want Achilles to go. I wish I had that power. Don't we all? How shameful of me to want that power.
I have to get myself together. Milo will be a basket case. He nearly lost it and snapped at us yesterday trying to keep us away from Achilles. He didn't want any of us touching Achilles, just kept trying to get in between us and Achilles, barking like a mad dog and jumping up and down. It was horrible. Milo knew long before us.
We have to go get our boy from the vet's. My wonderful, kind, strong, and big-hearted husband, who was supposed to be at a bachelor's party until next week. Instead, he is on his way back, and along with my little sis, we are going to get our Achilles from the vet's. He is resting comfortably, nicely medicated. We want him to go to heaven from his home, not from a hospital. I pray that he doesn't feel a thing.
Give all of your animals extra kisses and love tonight. Life if fleeting and ephemeral. Before we know it, those we love cease to exist but in our hearts. My heart aches tremendously right now.
Sweet Achilles. I love him madly.
30 comments:
I'm crying here for you guys! I know that feeling and it really, really sucks! I'll be thinking of you all day tomorrow! You are in my thoughts!
I am so sorry you are having to say goodbye. I know there is nothing I can write to ease the pain you feel. Everyone is in my prayers.
I am sitting here bawling because I don't want you guys to have to go through this. I am so, so, so unbelievably sorry. I ache for you. I am so sorry.
My heart is breaking for you all. This is so sad and hard to imagine....The only good thing I can say is that you both have given him so much love and joy in the time that you have had him...I pray this will carry him to his next life.
Warm hugs and good thoughts sent your way.....
Take care and know that you did the best you could possibly do...more than most could or would have.
hugs,Suz
Can't really type through my tears - know that we love you guys and will never, ever forget sweet Achilles, sweet face. I'm sure you won't sleep at all tonight, if you're up for it, call anytime. I don't care if it's 3 am. We're here for you and am so so sorry.
Mr. Triangle face is up there, waiting to greet Sweet face. They will find each other and through your love will always be together.
Wow, way too close to home for me. In March, we brought our dog home for the last time - what you are doing is the best way to do it, I am positive. From all those pictures, I've got to say you gave that dog the best life and love he could possibly have. And from our experience, there is no easy way, and there's a big hole where a dog used to be. That's because you really care for Achilles. There's nothing wrong with that. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I am just heartbroken (and tearful) reading this. I am so, so, so, so, so sorry. I wish I lived around the corner and could HUG you. Sending huge amounts of love to all of you!
I'm not much of a cryer, but damn girl, you've got me REALLY crying right now...
Tomorrow at 12:30 your time I will stop what I'm doing, go into my prayer closet and pray for you, Ed and sweet Achilles. I'll pray that God makes this passing as easy as possible, not just for Achilles, but also that he makes the experience as easy as possible for you and Ed.
I know it's tough, honey. I've been through it a handful of times myself and have a lump in my throat just remembering it. But just remember the WONDERFUL life you and Ed gave Achilles and all the LOVE you showed him. You gave him a fabulous life in this world! Now it's time for him to go join Nick (and Chloe) in whatever God has set up for our beloved departed pets (and I'm sure there's a Very Special Place for them!!)
Love & Peace my friend,
T.
I'm am so sorry! I'm crying right now reading this. I'm at my sister's house right now and they just put their cat to sleep a week ago. The house is empty without him. There will be a kitty cat named Chester in heaven to greet him. You will be in my thoughts.
Oh, my sweet, dear friend, I am so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and Ed. I'll be saying a prayer that Achilles' passing is painless and peaceful. Sending you much love to get through this difficult time.
Oh, dear friend, I am at such a loss. I was shocked to read the post, and instantly found myself in tears. My heart aches with yours, and I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. I'm sending big hugs to you and Ed and Milo and of course Sweet Face. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
Please find peace in knowing that you gave Achilles the best life a pup could hope for. We should all be as lucky as he was to have someone love us so unconditionally, as you and Ed have loved him. He has been a lucky, loved Golden angel.
Warmest wishes, with deepest, heartfelt sorrow,
Sue & the gang
I'm in tears reading about your sweet Achilles. I'm so sorry for your loss. God bless.
Oh honey my heart is breaking for you all, please give that gorgeous boy extra kisses and hugs for me I may not have met him in person but I love all furbabies and understand wanting to keep them near us forever. I just said a prayer, to help ease the pain in your hearts, you will be in my thoughts dear friend
i came today from sue's blog....i am so sorry for what you have to do today...you gave him the best life an old golden could wish for....it is never easy, but know that you are doing what is right for him....i know how painful it is and how heavy your heart is....."grief is the price we pay for love"....he knows how much he is loved....carry that thought with you today....you are in my thoughts.....
I am so sorry... Incredibly unfair situation but I am so happy that it was you and Ed that brought Achilles home. No one else would have loved him and as much or given him such a wonderful 2 years, as you guys have. Mike, Isis, princess piglet and I are praying for all of you. Tomorrow at 1230 I will be saying novenas and wishing you all peace. Hugs to all of you, especially Achilles and Milo who is going to miss him so much. ))))you((((
that just broke my heart in two, cant stop crying. i am so sorry. thinking of you all. remember, all dogs go to heaven. i imagine that they all frolic and run and dont have bad hips and get bacon all day and the tennis balls are thrown over and over again. xo
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...we're sooooooooooooo sorry for you!!
We don't know you...we come from Sue (Random ramblings)blog....we have 2 goldie brothers and one of them is called MILO!!!
we know there is nothing we can tell you to ease the pain you feel...must be terrific lost one of our best friend....Paco & Milo are our babies for us....
but...if this can be relieve you a little bit....Milo is become dad 1 week ago.....9 girl and 1 boy....and.........we're going to call Achillethe only boy we have in memory of your sweet boy!!!!!
sure Achille's hearts will be in a new puppy!!!!!!!!!!!
you're in our prayers.....
sweet kisses and licks
Paco,Milo and mommy
When I read your comment, I just knew. My heart is breaking for y'all. Words escape me at the moment. Achilles will be sorely missed.
Ed, you take care of that girl, you hear?
We came over from Random Ramblings. We're so sorry to hear about Achilles. We know how much it hurts and how you'll always miss him. Your family is in our thoughts.
I've been thinking of you all day. I went to bed thinking of you and woke up thinking of you. My heart is just broken thinking of the day you've had...
We are getting together at Coronado Dog Beach with the group tomorrow around 9:30am. I don't know if you'll be up for it, but if you are, I'd love to see you and give you a hug. We've got about 40 Goldens RSVP'd - it might be good for Milo. Just a thought.
Hang in there, our thoughts are with you.
Love,
Sue & the gang
Hi there,
I saw this news one Sue's blog and your post has me heartbroken. I know what you are going through. Please know that ALL OF US are thinking of you.
My heart cries for you.
What a beautiful post for the one you love.
Losing a golden friend is terribly hard to endure. I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Anne
Oh my God, i'm so sorry this is my first time here, I mean, I'm so sorry the first time I get to know you is to say goodbye to Achilles! I went to visit Random Ramblings and Sue and I saw her last post, and... I had to come here. I'm so sorry for your loss, i'm so sorry. It must be a trrible pain.
Rest in Peace in the Rainbow Bridge, Achilles. :(
Love
Pipa
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our Fenway to Hemangiosarcoma and I never thought I'd be the same. I am not, but my two now have definitely helped ease the pain. I hope you find joy in your memories.
Hi sweetie.... just wanted to know I've been thinking about, and praying for, you and Ed all weekend. I wish I lived closer so I could bake you guys some brownies or something, or tie a golden ribbon around your mailbox....
I hope you are feeling surrounded by LOVE and PEACE.... that has been my prayer for you and Ed.
I lost my 14 year-old in Feb so I'm crying as I read this story and feeling your pain. Know that if you asked Achilles to stay with you for another fifteen years he would undoubtedly try with all of his heart, as only our precious Goldens can. But your willingness to help him face this final battle is a blessing and an act of true love and mercy. May you joyfully meet again someday at Rainbow Bridge.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I do not know you(came from Random Ramblings) but I know it's a painful thing you and your family have to experience.
I know your pain. I have lost 3 supr great goldens (1984, 1996, 2008). The last time I used an animal communicator and it helped way beyond what I could have ever imagined. They are very much "alive" but they just not longer have their physical body. Sometimes they will come back to you in another body, golden if requested. They know better than us how to make the transition and when their physical body gives up, they are actually usually very ready to go. An animal communicator that I still use, can still connect with my Bubba and also connected with the other two by only having a name and picture. I was astounded by what came through. The messages could have only come from them. The AC never knew anything about them. It will help give you a great peace of mind, and them too if you connect. Once out of their body they can still very easily know just what you are thinking and how you are feeling. I use Jerri Carroll in Lakeside and she is exceptional. Do a google on her.
Loving regards from Bubba's Person
I hope that a little time has made some of this easier for you and that you've been visited by dreams of your sweet Achilles. Please know that he is still with you and loves you all the more the difficult decision you had to make. And those of us who share our lives with these wonderful companions are sending you our thoughts and prayers.
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