Ok, so here’s one of those things that I ponder as I’m out and about in our world…..are people’s homosexuality a fact they are born with, or is it a result of how they were nurtured and the environment in which they grew up? Is it possible that the environment in their adult life make them “turn”?
I have a very good friend whom I’ve known for over 8 years. In the interest of respect and privacy protection, I’ll call her Cathy. She’s a very pretty young woman, and I say young because she is younger than me by a few years, and I’m 34. Cathy was married to the love of her life in 2001 and I attended the gorgeous wedding at her grandparents’ estate overlooking San Diego Bay. She and her hubby had a beautiful baby girl together and bought a house.
For a while she lived in Texas and when I visited her, a tornado hit the town. We had to corral her terrified, trembling dog, wrangle her wriggling body into the backyard, and escape deep underground into the tornado shelter. Once down there, we had plenty of water and canned food, but no can openers and no light source. Good times. Life’s never been short of an adventure for me, ya know?
Anyways…….last fall Cathy and her husband began to have some problems. Cathy realized that she didn’t want to be with her husband anymore because she was a lesbian and had feelings for a woman she had become friends with. I was blown away. I have lots of very close gay and lesbian friends, and many of them have hung around both Cathy and I. No one, least of all me, ever would have thought Cathy was a lesbian. Not that there is one definitive way to tell if someone is gay or not, but you know what I mean.
She was the all-American, tall, leggy, blonde, blue-eyed, gorgeous Southern California sunshine girl. Not that she isn’t all those things anymore, but ever since she announced that she is a lesbian, she cut her looooong blonde hair in a very short, cropped, man’s style, and her personality has become darker. I don’t know how to explain it. She just doesn’t seem like her old self anymore, but then again, she is a new self…does that make sense?
In the past year, she got so many tattoos that I’ve lost count. And the tattoos are HUGE. I mean they take up vast expanses of her body in complete dark ink. This is someone who wore cute, frilly pink summer frocks with sparkly nails perfectly manicured, and her pale white skin was completely unblemished.
Last night, I ran into Cathy at the grocery store after not having seen each other for a while. We were excited to see each other and stood talking in the bakery aisle for some time. She invited me to this:
http://www.dinahshoreweekend.com/
She is going to go with some lesbian friends she has met in the last few months. It actually looks like it would be a lot of fun, and I’m not able to go since I have a full plate for the weekend, but even if I were free to attend, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable tagging along. Not because I’m not comfortable with lesbians, but because I feel that I don’t really know the new, lesbian Cathy. She is a totally different person and sometimes I feel like I just met her, but we’ve know each other for years.
So, we talked about how I felt about all of this, because you know, it’s not like I can just sit back and not ask, you know? Right there in the bakery aisle, I asked her if she always knew that she was attracted to women and was a lesbian, or is this something else and possibly temporary? I was really very curious. Mostly because I believe that we are all born a certain way, and Cathy just seemed to turn overnight, which shot my belief that homosexuality is something you’re born with right out of the womb.
Cathy said that she did not know it and didn’t have doubts and questions during her youth like so many of my other gay friends. She just met a woman last year, she experienced physical pleasure with her, and from then on she knew that she was a lesbian and it wasn’t fair to her husband to stay in a heterosexual marriage. So, they got divorced, and they have remained on good terms so far.
I don’t have any reason not to believe Cathy, but it is quite unbelievable the transformation that has taken place. I’m tellin’ you folks, it is an about face the likes of which I have never personally experienced. I’m not talking about her coming out as a lesbian. I’m talking about everything else that is now different about Cathy…..clothes, tattoos, dark makeup, inch-long hair, Dinah Shore weekends, etc. As a whole, there is nothing at all wrong with those things….it’s just that it is a complete 180 from what Cathy was 9 months ago.
Is it possible that she just turned lesbian last year? I just can’t believe it. That’s something that had to be waiting for its debut just under the surface, especially given her complete acceptance of her vivid transformation. But, she says no. So, I’m left to ponder one more facet of the human race’s complex engineering.
Hey, I just realized that I could have used the letter "L" for lesbian on Monday's A-Z!!!
Never a dull moment around here….
11 comments:
This is so interesting...I have wondered about this question, too. And we were in Palm Springs last year during this function, on our way to the airport! We saw quite a parade down Palm Canyon Drive as we ate and drank at Las Casuelas Terrazza. It's a BIG deal.
Hmmmm.... KBL, you would DEFINITELY get hit on at this GirlBar thing! Looks pretty wild! :)
To weigh in on your question as to whether homosexuality is innate or learned, I have no idea. That's like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg. It's a HUGE topic for debate.
However, I'm sure it is a bit unnerving to see a friend you've known in a certain way do a complete "180" (so to speak), and adopt a totally different lifestyle. (And hey, imagine how her ex-husband must have felt!)
I have a good friend who I grew up with who is a lesbian... we lost touch in our 20's and 30's and recently reconnected. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out she was gay. I really had NO idea...
The nature v. nurture is an interesting debate, without a doubt.
I am like you in that I believe you are born this way. It sounds to me like the girl is going through a whole identity crisis altogether, not unusual around 30, and is rebelling against all of the things society has told her she is "supposed" to be.
I think it will be a phase until she finds herself.
I know that most gay people are born this way. My brother was gay and he was gay when he was a little kid. No getting around this.
What I did learn recently though is there are degrees of "gayness" (I know that is NOT the proper term) but some people are on the border...like they can really love a man...but then really fall in love with a woman too. There are few homosexuals that are strickly ONE way forever....I found it to be very interesting. I read it in an article.
Of course, I suppose ONLY the person in question could tell the full story. It is bizzarre though, this Cathy. I am pretty positive that I am not going gay.
Now, a sister-wife..I am down with that...someone to help out around the house.
Great post!!!
I second Live For Today's comment. Sounds like an identity/early mid life crisis and once she does find herself she may be like What the heck just happened?? Sucks though cuz all those tats will be a bitch to remove.
I used to believe that you were born that way too, but lately it seems everyone I know is bi-sexual.
It is kind of weird when you find yourself in that situation with a good friend, same with me...my friend was married with four boys then divorced and started seeing my Man-cousin...then they broke up and poof she was gay.
OK, I didn't comment before because I really didn't have anything worth saying that the other commenters haven't already said, but I had to stop by today because when you first posted this, and I saw "Lesbian overnight?" on my sidebar, my first thought was that it was possibly an invitation to some kind of event. You know, where lesbians all get together and have a giant slumber party. It has now been a couple of days, I obviously have read the post (twice now) and yet I still read it as if it's a freakin' event! What is wrong with my wiring?
Did you happen to catch Oprah last week when she did a show on this very topic? The doctor/psychologist that was on talked about how there is a scale of sexuality, and you can score anywhere from a 0 to a 6, with one end of the spectrum being totally and completely straight, and the other being totally and completely gay (of course I don't remember which is which!) It was very interesting.
Wow, that does seem strange to go from day to night essentially overnight! I've had some many conversations about whether sexuality is nature or nurture. I have a gay male friend who said he feels like it's both, and I have a gay female friend who feels like a sexual assault on her when she was 13 made her uncomfortable, and unattracted to men, so she prefers women sexually. I don't know! Complicated stuff.
Come on over, I gave you an award!
Dinah Shore...haha...I used to watch that show when I was little!
Weighing in on the nurture or nature question. I do think that statistics show that most (not all)females who become lesbians have been molested prior to coming out. A horrid, shocking event that sears the mind, probably forever. I don't know what the stats are on men homsexuals. I've noticed that little children are pretty androgenous by nature for the first few years. Things like choice of clothes or playthings really don't point to one preference or the other as far as sex. I believe today people think of their sexuality as a preference/choice, rather than a biological preset. I believe that love is a decision...whether to stay in love with say, a spouse, or whom to love. I don't claim to understand it. I do have some friends that are homosexual and I try not to think about their sexual bent,just as I try not to think of, say, my in-laws making love! I just love them for who they are and don't (want to)visulize their sex life.
Nowadays it seems to be the latest "in thing" to declare ones sexuality. Almost a fad. That's,of course, just my opinion. Most of my gay friends are just living their lives and don't make a big deal about their life style choice.
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